“Lean out” parenting (Yes, you should be your child’s friend)

« HBO series Girls on why having your sh*t together is no longer enough | Main | How schools create bullying »

05/23/2013

“Lean out” parenting (Yes, you should be your child’s friend)

I’m for “lean out” parenting (I’m also for lean out schooling and management, but that’s for another time). Lean out is a twist on Facebook COO Sheryl Sandburg’s book title and burgeoning social movement “Lean in,” calling on women to ratchet up their professional aspirations and engagement.

When I say parents should “lean out,” I mean that we should do less punishing, less rewarding, less scolding, less praising, less hovering, less preaching, less controlling, less (over) protecting. Less is more. Of course this is a general philosophy and not an Individual Parenting Plan (IPP). There are 1001 legitimate exceptions, I have no doubt.

Some will view lean out parenting as a call for disengagement and chaos. Lean out does not mean bow out. And, of course, it does not mean that we should relinquish all control. We do have to get our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Rather, lean out means staying clear of what we can’t or shouldn’t control and doing more of what we can and should.

Most parents think they have a major say in their kids’ long-term behavior. This is a monumental illusion. The discipline we mete out has very little if any lasting impact on their behavior. Studies show that punishment works only in temporarily exerting control over a child and has no lasting effect. In one study, eighty percent of children repeated the behavior they were disciplined for that very same day.

Judith Harris first pointed out the futility of disciplining children in her seminal book “The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do,” citing extensive research from studies of twins separated at birth. Researchers believe that roughly fifty percent of a child's personality profile—traits such as friendliness, openness, introversion, nervousness, etc.—are attributable to genes, which means that the other half is attributable to the environment. Studies show that peers and siblings have a much bigger influence than parents on a child’s behavior. Indeed, one of the most important decisions parents make is choosing a neighborhood or a school.

Anyone who doubts this more limited view of parental impact should speak to parents with both biological and adopted children. Almost invariably they will tell you how drastically different their adopted children are from their biological kids.

Notwithstanding the evidence, some parents, typically those with well-behaved children, credit themselves for their kids' stellar conduct. It’s a classic case of “confirmation bias"--we favor information that confirms our beliefs. Mercifully, some of these parents eventually beget a less compliant child, and wonder why all that skillful parenting no longer seems to work. Given what we’ve learned about the power of genetics, it should surprise no one that well-behaved parents tend to produce well-behaved offspring.

Not only does standard-fare discipline not work, it can make things worse:

We unnecessarily inflame our family life by constantly battling with less compliant children.

We hold back our children from learning from the real world by imposing unnecessary restrictions.

We impede the development of an internal moral compass by fostering reliance on extrinsic controls.

We make it more difficult to maintain an open and honest relationship by generating more resentment than necessary.

Parents can likely play a greater role in shaping the values and identities of our children than we can in conditioning their behavior. That probably has more to do with how we model own own values than with any long-winded speech we give or time-out we dish out. Even then, those values must ultimately be reinforced by the larger society if they are to have any staying power. None of us parents in a vacuum.

In short, by being disciplinarians, we trade some of our potential long-term influence on values for short-term control over behavior.

Dropping the pretense of punishment and rewards does not put us parents out of business. It creates the space for meaningful engagement with our children. It keeps the lines of communication open as they grow and makes it more likely that they will consult with us on challenges they face during their critical teenage years. It allows us to be their mentors and, yes, their friends, not in the same way we are with our adult friends, but friends nonetheless. And, contrary to the conventional wisdom, there’s nothing wrong with that.

By leaning out, we can lean in in ways our children need most.

Posted by The Big Shift on 05/23/2013 at 09:00 AM in Parenting, Values | Permalink

Tags: child rearing, disciplining, Judith Harris, parenting, The Nurture assumption

Comments

You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

I agree. My child-rearing philosophy: just be there. They'll let you know when you're needed.

Posted by: Jeff Weintraub | 05/23/2013 at 06:44 PM

9999 the highest fashionable factors as well as items; nobody desires a little something underneath the best. Her grandmother assisted out in raising her, and shortly she bought a lucky crack and was signed by having a modeling company in Glasgow.
replica louis vuitton http://www.bishopamatband.com/replica-louis-vuitton/

Posted by: replica louis vuitton | 09/13/2013 at 03:02 PM

You made some nice points there. I looked on the internet for the subject and found most individuals will approve with your site.
timberland boots black friday http://www.guest-house-betws-y-coed.com/timberland.html

Posted by: timberland boots black friday | 11/20/2013 at 07:27 AM

Hi there to every one, it's actually a nice for me to go to see this website, it includes precious Information.
Gucci outlet Black Friday http://www.quantumtuning.co.uk/gucci-black-friday.html

Posted by: Gucci outlet Black Friday | 11/24/2013 at 02:06 AM